The Tools Of The Trade

Yup, the reviewing game needs some tools. And they might surprise you. Books are pretty easy, you just need light and eyes. CD's and DVD's though are a different beast. For a while I used computers to play them. But I was never happy with the quality, particularly with DVD's. It was a constant fight with Codecs, and region codes.

I'll bet you have never even heard of Region Codes. Well they are yet another insidious way that the music and movie industry control what you can and cannot do with the product you have purchased. In a nutshell it works like this:

REGION 1 -- USA, Canada
REGION 2 -- Japan, Europe, South Africa, Middle East, Greenland
REGION 3 -- S.Korea, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Parts of South East Asia
REGION 4 -- Australia, New Zealand, Latin America (including Mexico)
REGION 5 -- Eastern Europe, Russia, India, Africa
REGION 6 -- China
REGION 7 -- Reserved for Unspecified Special Use
REGION 8 -- Reserved for Cruise Ships, Airlines, etc...
REGION 0 or REGION ALL -- Discs are uncoded and can be played Worldwide, however, PAL discs must be played in a PAL-compatible unit and NTSC discs must be played in an NTSC-compatible unit.

In a nutshell, if you buy a DVD in Europe it will not play on a US DVD player. Great system eh?

What a f'ing scam I say.

Oops I have digressed. I was talking about the weapons of the trade. Well I use a couple of portable DVD players and an old LCD Projector.

Now I know that most households have absolutely none of these devices. But they work great for watching DVD's. The one on the left has a 10 inch, and the one on the right a 9 inch screen. That might sound small, but they work great.

Pile Technology

I have talked about my use of piles before. Basically my theory is based around a three pile methodology, the To D0 Pile, The Done Pile, And The Keep Pile. Of course this three pile system has a few problems and exceptions to it. It has been necessary to create a few sub piles, we have the time critical pile, this is generally reserved for previews of TV shows, and tends to be fairly small, right now there are only two HBO documentaries on it. We also have the duplicate pile, yes believe it or not I get duplicates of stuff, and it happens a lot!


The biggest issue is the 'Done Pile', this is without doubt the hardest pile to manage, and requires constant attention. Essentially everything ends up on the 'Done Pile', and when it starts to eat us out of house and home we go through it and decide which items we want to keep, the rest gets put in boxes that we hide around the apartment. Right now the 'Done Pile' is getting out of hand!



Ah, the joys of being a reviewer!

Jan Saves The Day!

The amount of DVD's for review that I was receiving was reaching a critical mass. My original plan was to use the aging, but still working projector. We could watch the big screen, AKA the wall. But it worked fine, the problem that was nagging at me was the projector, or more exactly the bulb that it uses. An internet search revealed that a new bulb was going to be at least $400, that was approximately $399 more than I was prepared to spend.

My solution was to go out and but a portable DVD player with a 7 inch screen. That might sound small, but we are in a small apartment, and it works great, or at least worked great. For the past couple of weeks though it has been hit or miss. No doubt it was not designed with me in mind. We sling two or three DVD's or CD's on it a day. We watch, we review, we stick it in a box. Unfortunately for the past couple of weeks we have had about a 40% failure rate on playing stuff. But it all plays fine on the computers.

I was ready to just go out and buy a new one, but Jan has a better idea! Jan is a pack rat! She found the receipt, and the original box. It turns out that it came with a 90 day 'in store' warranty,
and right now we are on something like day 82. So it is off to Wal-Mart in the morning. I doubt I will tell them how many discs have been through the unit, that would likely void some other warranty!

Ticked Off Film Maker

Being a reviewer is not always an easy job. You certainly cannot please everyone. In many ways it is a tightrope act. On the one hand you want to be fair to the artist, but on the other hand writing a rave review for a mediocre product does no one any good. People will go out and buy stuff only to discover that it is not nearly as good as the review would have you believe.

I tend to work on the assumption that the 'thing' being reviewed, and it could be a book, music, or a movie, is the very best that the artist can do, he or she has put their heart and soul into it. On the odd occasion that I come across something that I genuinely do not like, I still try and find some redeeming feature in it.

For the most part this formula works quite well.

But what happens when you write a good review and the artist hates it? Well this was a first for me. I reviewed an indie movie, documentary in fact, by a fairly 'off the wall' film maker, I gave it a pretty positive review, tho I did remark that the film maker seemed a little eccentric. Well the guy went up one side of me and down the other! So F him, and the horse he rode in on!

He will get no further coverage from me. In fact he is such an ass, I won't even share his name.

Bloody Weather

Who in their right mind would live in Calgary? Jan is firmly convinced that Calgary weather is an invention of the devil!

We, well I, got up a few minutes before 6am. At six we turned the TV on to the watch the local morning news program. The little information bar at the bottom of the screen revealed that it was a balmy -5c outside. -5c is not bad, you need a jacket, but it is pretty livable. Of course Calgary weather is about as stable as Britanny Spears, and by 6:30am it had changed to -18c, and a wind chill of -30c. The TV weather guy then went on to explain that we are due for 40mph winds, ans snow! By tomorrow morning the temperature with wind chill will be at least -40c. Oh and for you folks that don't do Celsius, -40 is where Celsius and Fahrenheit come together. -40 is really stinking cold!

The good news is, I have a plan. I am going to call a cab and go get a good stock of beer so that I can sit this one out!

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

That is pretty much my mantra for life. Now sometimes it can come back to haunt you. A good example was this week. A while back I reviewed a fairly eclectic documentary by a New York Film Maker. I liked it, it was different. Well we started swapping emails, and before I knew it I had another 6 of his movies. Now, he wasn't expecting me to do anything with them, except watch them at some point.

I of course decided that he needed some exposure, so I launched into the Richard Sandler film fest. A review a day, for a week. I am on day four, I love the movies, but boy am I burnned out. A movie a day is just a little much. Meanwhile, the damn books are piling up, I just did a quick look around and it seems to me there are 11 in the queue. There is also a fairly impressive pile of DVD's, god only knows what they are.

I was also contacted a few days ago by one of Sony/BMG's labels, they seem to think that I would have the perfect home for the 75 new releases that they have planned for the first 6 months of this year!

Tangines, Whats The Big Deal?

Whats a bloody Tangine? Well its a traditional cooking vessel from Morocco. Basically it is a clay pot, that looks like something you would bake an apple pie in, circular, and with a diameter of somewhere between 12 and 15 inches. The neat bit is the lid, a conical chimney, which is open at the top.

Morocco is a pretty poor country apart from the drug trade, and I'm sure you can buy a truck load of Tangines for $20.

I love to cook, and I love to explore new things, Jan hates it, but generally goes along. I am pretty certain that she thinks living with me is like being permanently on 'Fear Factor'.

For weeks now I keep seeing Tangines on the damn TV. This afternoon I was happily writing a review of 'Swamp Thing', yes the cheesy TV series from the 1990's, when another damn Tangine appeared on TV. That was it, Swampie was out Tangines were in. "I want one of those" I told Jan.

Some quick research revealed that there are two basic varieties, the glazed and decorated type, these are designed for presentation more than cooking. Well thats not what I want, I want to cook. The second sort is for the most part unglazed, and you have to soak them in water before using. Thats what I want!

Then I hit the sticker shock! Only a few places sell Tangines, and they want $100 for one! What a bloody rip off! At the very most they should be $20. So Tangines have gone on the back burner for now!

Why I Like Indie Movies

I probably belong to the minority in this one. I have no interest in standing in line for hours in the freezing cold to go and watch the the latest $200 million flop from the big studios. In fact in my opinion the whole movie industry is just a complete farce. The majors seem to have created a 'cookie cutter' approach. Take a famous brand name Director, or failing that, anyone whose name includes the word 'Speilberg'.

Next, select the leading man and leading lady, this is where it gets a little harder, your best bet are those 'house hold' names that have most recently been released from Detox. You want to get em nice and clean and sober. Of course this will not last long, so you want to make sure the shooting schedule is pretty aggressive. Certainly no longer than 3 months. Else they will be wanting to 'go dry out' again.

Early in the shooting cycle you want to make sure that you get your leading lady and leading guy on as many late night talk shows as possible. This will vastly increase the 'hype' factor behind the enormous scam being played on the unsuspecting theatre goer.

Even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with the storyline, if the leading lady has any sex appeal at all, you will want to get some footage of her naked. This can be spliced in afterwards as a filler for spots when the dialog gets truly awful.

What about the plot and storyline? Oh, that's cake, put up a Craiglist Ad, asking for a 500 word synopsis of a movie. You will get hundreds of dumb ideas, you might even get some intelligent ones. If that happens, throw them away. Select the absolute dumbest from remaining ones. For a couple of grand any old hack screenwriter can eek 500 words into a 100 minute yawner.

If this sounds like too much effort, and for the past several years this has indeed been the case. Either do a remake of a movie that made it big 20 years ago, or do a sequel to something more modern. If you are super creative you might also try a 'prequel', For example, instead of 'Grumpy Old Men', do Nasty Kindegarteners! And if all else fails, take a cheesy 80's TV series and appall the audience with the silver screen version.

I'll just stick to my Indie Movies, not everyone is great, but almost every single one is better by far than the noxious crap served up at the MegaPlex!

Wow! I Am Honored!

I can't believe this one. I have been asked to do a 'blurb' for a book. I here you ask 'whats a blurb'?

Well pick up the average book, like 80% of them, and look at the back cover, they have those one sentence reviews written by famous people. Well I have been asked if I would do one for a book coming out on June! This is the next best thing to actually being an author.

Now if that isn't bragging rights I don't know what is.

I also received an really interesting manuscript this week. Alas it looks like its publication is going to be delayed for a while. It concerns the assassination of Martin Luther King, unfortunately the author and publisher are concerned about some potential litigation from the 'very far right' white supremacy sector, and have decided to spend more time backing up their assertions. Now personally I would be more concerned about my personal safety rather than the potential for a law suit. These are some not very nice people to have on their 'bad side'.

Ah, the joys of being a reviewer, I get to review things that don't actually exist yet! hahahaha

Book Reviewing Makes You Smarter!

One of the genres that I really detest is business oriented books. Walk into any book store and there is a whole section dedicated to the subject of getting ahead in business. You Too Can Be A CEO, How To Make Your First Million, etc, etc.

Generally speaking all of these books contain exactly the same 'common sense' ideas, but authors keep churning them out. About the only thing that changes is the order of the chapters. If these authors are so damn good at making money why are they writing books? Hell I'd be on a sail boat somewhere warm, screw writing books! Who needs the headache of publishing?

The other peeve I have is the style of writing that associates itself with this type of book. Lots of font changes, lots of italics, bold, caps, and bloody ordered lists. This is the book version of a scam get rich quick web site! They use exactly the same techniques.

THE 57 THINGS YOU SHOULD DO BEFORE TAKING A CRAP

1) Make sure that your Backberry has new batteries in it
2) You have your Day Planner
3) Your pen works!!!!!!!!!!
.
.
.
57) There is toilet paper!

It was my misfortune to have to deal with two of these stupid books this week. I hated every moment, and can honestly say that I learned absolutely nothing, other than the fact that you would need your head examining to go out and actually spend your hard earned money buying them. The best way to get rich is to not waste your money, and this is a complete waste of money.

Jan's Willy Wonka!

Nope this has nothing to do with Chocolate Factories! Jan decided that our bathroom needed a little makeover, and installed a really nice rug thing in front of the wash basin, also one of those funky things that go around the base of the toilet. It's very good, it keeps your feet warm while doing the biz.

Not content with these major lifestyle enhancements, she also added one of those pointless Toilet seat cover warmers! Why does a toilet seat cover need a warmer anyway? In my opinion toilet seat covers are right up there with Chia Pets!

The net result is that Jan has created a monster! The toilet cover warmer has changed the entire dynamics of the plastic bits. To take a leak, you now run the gauntlet of the Willy Wonka. Just as you are enjoying getting rid of that 6 pack, 'KERASH', and the Willy Wonka has nailed you!

I am thinking about renting a Porta-Potty, the bathroom is just out and out to dangerous for male use!

Woo Hoo, I'm Probably Going To Live!

The past three months have been hell. And I blame it all on the computer! I was using the damn thing when my arm went numb. The Hospital gleefully informed me it was likely a stroke! It turned out that it wasn't, but they got their digs in with CT scan that showed I had at some point actually had a stroke, the technical term being 'Silent Stroke', there are no symptoms, it just happens.

This started a nasty sequence of hospital related activities that I did not enjoy at all! I hate hospitals to begin with, I don't even like visiting people in the place, never mind being the 'victim'. I swear they stick needles in just because they have a sadistic streak.

Today I got the results of all of the poking, prodding, pricking, MRI'ing, Ultrasounding, heart monitoring, CT scanning, and all the rest of it! Other than having ridiculously high Blood Pressure, they have declared me likely to live! When they took my BP I clocked in at 212/110 which had them reaching for their Tums!

So they have upped the drug level to a dosage that is in the range that likely contravenes the SALT treaty, and I am now the proud owner of a swishy at home Blood Pressure monitor! I wonder how much I can get for it on eBay?

Oh, and for the foreseeable future I get to meet with the delightful Stroke people every two weeks. About the onlt amusing part of this whole adventure is that they want to include Jan in these sessions, so she likely will get as much abuse as I do! hahahaha

Clint Boxes

I live in dread of Clint Boxes. OK, let me explain what a Clint Box is. As you all know I do reviews, pretty much I will review anything, you send it, I'll review it. Well what happened years ago, well it seems like years ago, although it was likely only a few months ago, I started requesting DVD's on a pretty regular basis from one particular US distributor. They liked my reviews so much that they decided that I didn't need to ask anymore, the Director of Publicity selected me for special treatment. They just ship me everything they have! Clint is his name, and boxes is his game!

Now that might seem like a great idea. But, it really has its downside. These guys are so big that they release at least one item each day. This has resulted in a constant stream of innocuous looking brown cardboard boxes arriving. Even the delivery guy knows them because he is here so often. On the rare occasion that I actually see him, he hops out of his truck, comes bounding up the pathway, and with a smile says "Looks like a Clint box".

Clint Boxes are taking over the apartment! They are everywhere! Jan lives in fear and dread of them. Well most of them anyway! A couple of days ago I was heading out the door to go to work, and what did I find? A very frosty Clint Box, it had been there all night, the temperature as something like 10f. Unfortunately the contents survived the arctic conditions!

Later that morning another Clint Box arrived, but Jan didn't mind getting that one, it contained some very yummy Belgium chocolates! Clint is now Jans hero!

New Years Resolutions....

This has to be the silliest idea known to man. I'm sure that Hallmark has a whole series of cards dedicated to the subject.

In a wild move, I have decided to make two New Years resolutions. I'd love to share them with you, but they both involve Jan in a French Maids outfit!