Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Medical Device Review: MRI

Normally I publish my reviews on but when I checked the categories I did not find one for MRI's. And I was too lazy to go set one up. I had the chance to review one of these $1,000,000 machines today. I had to pull in a lot of favors to do this. The current waiting list for a trip in this Disney inspired ride is 18 months here in Alberta!

The nice folks at Foothills Hospital were sympathetic when I explained that I was a reviewer and managed to squeeze me in within a couple of weeks. Of course I had to fool the medical system to achieve this, I feigned having a numb arm, and through amazing Uri Geller techniques managed to fool several blood pressure monitors so that it appeared the I was 240/129, the hardest part tho was the CAT scan, I had to appear as if I had had a stroke!

Well I managed all of these things without a problem, well other than the fact that my right hand is still messed up! But this is a cheap price to pay for a review of a million dollar machine.

My lovely wife Jan decided to accompany me on the adventure, as a result we actually made it there first, my preference was to go to the bar first and have a couple beers. I filled in a questionnaire explaining that I was neither pregnant nor breast feeding.

Then the fun began, the told me to change, but, all they wanted me to do was take off my pants! I suspect that the entire operation is run by some very odd people. Shoes and Socks were ok, golf shirt was fine, but the pants had to go! Of course I was about to explain that it was the 'other head' that they were supposed to be looking at, but, who can argue with a Doctor?

Next step was to lay on this rather narrow and not terribly comfy bed with my head in a funky cradle thing. Then they sprung the needle surprise! The bastards always to that! Apparently red wasn't a good color for my blood, and they needed to add a dye! Or some other equally bull shit reason, I think they just like sticking people!

"Oh, and stick these ear plugs in. it gets pretty noisy in there", was the sage advice. OK, so stuck like a pig, ear plugs in it was off to the world of wild adventure. As the machine inserted me into what seemed like a rather large Cuban cigar tube my first thought was that if these machines cost a million dollars each they could do something with the interior design. A white tube with a gray stripe is pretty damn boring! I right about then also thought the ear plugs were overkill, the cigar tube was making a rather peaceful 'woop woop' sound. Not quite Moog synthesizer, and a little repetitive for my taste, but quite harmless.

Then the world changed, the gentle 'woop woop' was replaced by what I can only describe as really bad 'heavy metal' interspersed with Keith Emerson playing a mean Moog. The climax tho had to be the 3 minutes relived from the movie 'Earthquake'. If you saw 'Earthquake' you probaby remember the rather strange bass speakers that the theatres used. So low that your clothes rattled. Well an MRI can do that, it was like being on the Disney ride from hell! Your whole head is vibrating and planning on exploding anytime soon!

When they removed me from the cigar tube, I was out of that hospital like greased lightning! I needed a beer!


bigsoxfan said...

You do know that the first piece of advice from the doctor's mouth is going to be give up beer. Couldn't you just pass over the bar in peace? We'll miss you, but hate to think of you suffering through ten or twenty years of life without beer. Just think of the odd oj or N. Halloway blog, without beer to ease your mind? Stay well, listen to Jan,

Bruce A. Bateman said...

Next time take one of your early electric typewriters and clack away in harmony with the MRI machine while inside. Record all through a good quality mixing board and release as an album called "Review THIS, Pearl Jam".

So did you pass the test?